As I prepare myself for this nights slumber I think of how much I will love you tomorrow, for the love that I have for you is more than pictures accompanied by words, it is so much more. The love that I have for you gives me purpose, it makes me whole, it completes me. I was once all alone in a self-made world full of my sins, but He saved me, He gave me you. These words that I set free to wander will find you, for they have a true story to tell, a story full of my love for you. Many wonder why I express my love for you in this manner, but many know not of my love, for my love is heaven sent. When one thinks one will never find true love one may not be prepared for what may come, but I waited patiently for your arrival, I prayed for you, He blessed me. As I say my last goodbyes to this day I think of you, so I say goodnight my love. In my dreams I will love you through the night, for if one chooses to love you as I do, one must love you, “24-7/365.”
In the last twelve years I have been whatwhat most would call lucky, but I would disagree with that assessment, for I truly believe that my Lord and savior blessed me with continued preservation. He has been with me through it all, I now stand tall because of his grace and mercy, so my thoughts I share with you…..
October 12, 2010
In 2010 I had a major heart attack which they call the The widow maker. I experienced something that I could not explain at the time, but it has been revealed since, I’ll explain. I was a thirty-eight year old Black male that was socially, mentally, and physically unfit. I had been feeling some discomfort in my chest for some time prior to my heart attack but I wrote it off as heartburn. Then one day my heartburn began to intensify and my wife noticed a change in my appearance, for I did not look well. “Babe are you okay?” I thought about revealing my hidden health concerns, but we had plans for the evening, it was movie night, so I made a decision to put my truth on hold until the following day. While drinking a beer and eating quadruple butter popcorn, about half way through the movie I felt a dull pain in the center of my chest and I began to sweat profusely, I also had sharp pains in my lower back, my left arm, and my mouth became desert dry, even the fluid in my eyes dried out. I will try to explain what took place next, but one may not understand if one is a non-believer, for what the Lord gave me was not of this world. As I began to pray to my Lord and savior Jesus Christ a feeling of calmness flushed my being, there was no pain, no fear, and no worry, but most of all, there was no doubt, for I knew the Lord was with me. The shackles of life were being unlocked, I no longer felt enslaved by the world, for I knew that the Lord was setting me free.
At approximately 4:15 am I was driving on the freeway on my way to work. There were hardly any vehicles on the freeway, but out of nowhere a car cut me off and I started spinning out of control, for the rains from the previous night left its wetness behind. As the spinning continued I crashed into the middle divider coming to a complete stop. With the airbag being deployed from the impact damaging my eye in the process, I became disoriented. Thinking my car was on fire from the smoke that the airbag generated I exited my car looking for safety, and while doing so, at that very moment my car was hit in the rear causing it to hit me in the face as I stood in front of it. Somehow I was sucked and pinned beneath my car face up for an hour and fifteen intense, thought provoking, unknowing, loving, maturing, growing, and spiritual minutes that I have ever experienced under any condition. While I was pinned underneath my car I was struck by two other vehicles that hit their target about five minutes apart. The wait in between, in a strange way, it was the most alive that I have ever been in my life. “He is under the car!” Someone screamed. Shortly after a tow truck pulled up and began to slowly lift my car off of me, I did not know if I would bleed out once my car was lifted, so I began pray. I woke up two weeks later in critical condition. I had an over abundance of injuries, I was told that I was not quite out of the woods. I suffered a broken right shoulder, a dislocated left shoulder, I broke my jaw in three places, I damaged my left eye, lost most of my teeth, broke right femur bone, dislocated right knee, I had a compound fracture of right shin, broke three ribs on my left side, broke all ribs on right side, broke right ankle, I have metal in 90% of right leg, road rash down to muscle in left leg, I had burns on face from hot underbelly of car, punctured both lungs, and I fractured my skull which has left me with brain shattering headaches, and mind dizzying seizures that will accompany me for the rest of my visit here on earth. I now know with the Lords grace and mercy, support and prayers from family and friends is how I survived. During my life span searching seemed to be a constant, whether it was freedom, love, shelter, work, fairness, peace of mind, honesty, drive, or simply an identity. But there are times when you come across something more than what you were searching for, or should I say, something greater than what you were searching for. On the fateful morning of March 22, 2017 I found something greater than I was searching for, I found the Lord!
June 17, 2017
During my rehabilitation I asked my primary doctor about a lump on the side of my neck that had me concerned, but she insisted that it was a swollen lymph node brought on by the stress of my car accident. My wife and I decided to go to a throat specialist, and to our surprise, it was throat cancer stage four. It took a moment to digest the prognosis, but we kept our composure and put our trust in the Lord. With the cancer taking higher priority we had to stop my rehabilitation to concentrate on my prognosis. “Welcome to the world of cancer” were my first words spoken as I finally had time to converse with my own thoughts, for I was part of a new club, separate from the rest of the world. I had a feeling of lonely isolation, and somewhat desperation, emotions that were to heavy for me to carry on my own, so I prayed and gave all the weight to the Lord. I thought I could not take anymore pain, but my beautiful mother passed away from colon cancer. This is what brings us to this juncture at this time, it is not mere coincidence that we are sharing this moment together, it was already written……
“The Lord sustains him on his sickbed; in his illness you restore him to full health.”
When “I” awoke from my coma after my car accident “I” did not know if “I” was going to live or die, so “I” stayed awake at night for fear of not waking up. As my sleepless nights began to wear me down mentally and physically “I” decided to pray to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ…..
Lord “I” come to you in my time of need, for “I” know that you are the only one who can bless me with continuance. Lord “I” pray that “I” get another chance to see Your works, learn Your word, and spread Your gospel, for “I” was blind, “I” was deaf, and “I” was mute before my spiritual awakening. Lord “I” truly thank you for blessing me with the gift of understanding, and with this blessing “I” make these vows to you:
“I” will give my life to You.
“I” will rejoice in hope.
“I” willspread Your gospel.
“I” will trust and not be afraid.
“I” will stay in constant prayer.
“I” will be patient in tribulation.
“I” will cast all my anxietiesupon You.
“I” will not be conformed by this world.
“I” will love others as You have loved me.
“I” will accept Your Son Jesus Christ as my savior.
“I” will act in accordance with Your commandments.
“I” will do all things through You who strengthens me.
When a man makes a vow to the Lord or takes an oath to obligate himself by a pledge, he must not break his word but must do everything he said.
Farewell my fair weather friend, our relationship was overcast from the beginning except for the occasional clear skies, you were seasonal and I was yearly. I should of seen the cold front coming, for I was warned: “Don’t forget your coat, you never know what the weather is going to be like later,” mom would scream. The signs were all there, but they were unrecognizable in the darkness, for the clouds have been hiding the sunlight for the majority of our relationship. In the beginning I thought my coat was all that I needed for our journey of friendship, for we have seen many rainbows together, Gods blessing for weathering the storms. Mother warned me, but Mother Nature showed me, she showed me that she can become cold hearted overnight without a freeze warning. The day started out a cool sixty-five degrees and somewhat overcast, and there was no freeze warning in the foreseeable future, but by nightfall we had an overnight low where the temperature fell to just about over freezing…….
“I thought my coat was all that I needed, I thought my coat would weather the storm. I thought my coat was all that I needed, but my coat was not enough!”
Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold.
It is five o’clock in the morning and I have no worries in the world, the television is off, the mail is not running, no pads and no phones. As I turn to my right my wife sleeps in a state of comfort so I shall only gaze at her beauty, holding back from disturbing her peace that will elude her during the waking hours. As I sit up with elbows on knees and face in hands I thank the Lord for another day. As I slowly rise, although difficult, I realize that there are many who cannot perform this act on their own, so once again I thank you Lord for making this possible, for I remember when. Standing tall now as I head towards the window to peer into the night where the hidden lie in wait I think of when the sun comes home to brighten my path, for soon its light will be needed to send the darkness back from whence it came. As the light that is of this day begins to bully the darkness that is of this night I wait with unbridled anticipation for what blessings may come on this day.
Always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.”
Lord I come to You on this night with a pleading heart, for there are many who are drowning in the stormy seas of life as they have not yet chosen You to be their lifeguard who is always on duty. The disbelief that those “lost at sea” carry within is beginning to weigh them down, for they are slowly sinking towards the abyss. As the strong winds from the sea blow across the shoreline I can hear the cries of those lost, for without Your grace and mercy the rising tides and their tears that fall will soon become one. Lord there was a time when I was “lost at sea” and I thought You did not hear my cries, but You saved me from a cold, dark, and watery grave. Lord there are still many “lost at sea” and I pray that You hear their cries, for those sinking now know that they cannot stay afloat without You in their lives. Lord I also pray that You show the lost ones mercy, and I pray that the rising tides and their tears that fall never become one.
“He stilled the storm to a whisper; the waves of the sea were hushed.”
Lord I am trying with all that I have to gain spiritual wisdom through Your scriptures, for I know they are the way to Your heart.Lord You have shown me that my days are numbered, but You have also shown me that salvation awaits. Lord my spirit is hungry, my spirit is restless, my spirit is anxious, but my spirit is also patient, for it knows that there is still work to be done. Lord as I gain wisdom through Your scriptures I am beginning to see things that I could not see prior to my spiritual awakening, for You have opened my eyes to things that the blind of this world cannot see. Lord I now know that I need You, for without You my thoughts roam and wander this unholy world aimlessly, like a lost child without direction. Lord with You now in my life I no longer wander aimlessly in search of, for You have shown me the way. As we walk together I hold Your hand and I squeeze tight, for there are those in this unholy world who have taken notice of the spiritual intimacy that we share through Your scriptures, and they want nothing more in this life than to disturb the peace that we share. Lord I cannot say enough about what You have done for me, how You have preserved me, how You have changed not only my life, but those closest to me, for You have opened their eyes to witness all that You have done for me.
“Oh give thanks to the Lord; call upon Hisname, make known His deeds among the peoples!”
I thank you for making it easy to love you. I thank the Lord daily for allowing us to love each other in such a way that those of the world will take notice. We have set the bar high concerning our love for each other and those who choose to follow, for our love has reached even higher heights with the Lord leading the way. Our love exist to remain, for I would not have it any other way, as we are one. As I bare my soul to the world for all to examine a feeling of accomplishment begins to explore my being, for I dreamed of letting the world know that true love does exist, our true love. With the world now on notice we must stay steadfast with our love, not only the love that we have for one another, but the love that we have for the Lord as well, for there will be forces in this world that will try to test our love and faith as we continue to grow together. In this cold world our love is warmth, it is comfort, it is good for the soul! It is 3am as I think of you, I watch your beauty in its stillness, in its warmth, in its comfort. As I gaze at your beauty that is within arms reach my thoughts are of a thief in the night, for I want, but I shall let your beauty rest. As I fight my sleep to watch the sunrise wake your beauty I think of how blessed we are to have found love, I appreciate our love, I give it thanks, for it truly gives us what the world does not…….
“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
When I hear the word nigga being usedI feel pain. I feel the pain of those who were beaten and whipped when they were caught trying to learn how to read and write. I feel the pain of those who had a voice, but could not speak, for their tongues would be cut out. I feel the pain of those who had a name, but they had to answer to nigger. I also feel the pain of those who sacrificed their lives for us to call each other nigga.